You can have self-esteem, stability, and an uncluttered mind. You can have success, purpose, and physical health. But without friendship? It’s all a little empty. 

We have all seen the statistics on loneliness in the United States, and the numbers seem to get worse by the day, especially for young adults and men. An astonishing number of people say they have no one to call for emotional support, or that it’s been years since they have made a new friend. 

I get very annoyed with the self-help movement and the idea that more pampering of ourselves, more therapy, more time off work, more vacations, and more purchases will be the balm we need. It is actually the friction of life that makes us happy and whole. Taking the risk to ask someone for a walk, joining groups, talking to strangers, meeting your neighbors. The bumpier, more fulfilling road to happiness. 

Thankfully, there’s been a glut of resources in the last 5 years about how to make and keep friends. The book Platonic and this podcast about the science of conversation are a few favorites. Still, you can read and listen to a million inspiring things, and still not do anything about them! The bad news is that, if you’re low on friendship, no one is coming to save you. The good news is that you can actually get better at making and keeping friends! Here are a few stories from my orbit lately: 

My father-in-law now plays pickleball every day. He’s retired and an artist, and very fulfilled in his artistic practice, but wanted to be around more people. Now, I run into people around town who tell me they saw him on the courts and even ask if he’s sleeping better! I love this so much. 

Supporting a friend in recovery. I’m part of a group of college friends scattered across the country, and one of our number has started going to AA and gotten a divorce in the same year. Because of her openness with us about what she needs (and because this group of women is amazing), we have gotten into gear for her. Money, cards, texts in a steady stream for 2 years! Everyone deserves a team like this. 

 Seeing my optometrist at the grocery store. Five years ago, I made friends with my optometrist. Picking out glasses turned into some tearful conversations. We have never hung out outside of our appointments, but when we see one another around town, it makes my day. These peripheral connections matter a lot.  

A friend who is open about his goal of making more friends. For some reason, we’ve gotten an idea that friendship is supposed to be easy, and we shouldn’t say things like, “I’m working on making more friends.” (This is especially true for men.)  If we put ourselves out there in this vulnerable way, we’re more likely to get what we want. As Rumi says, “The need brings in what is needed.”  

I do a friendship audit periodically. Who’s in my inner circle? What acquaintances do I want to get to know better? Which friendships have run their course? All of this takes quite a bit of intention and effort. I’m here to say it is infinitely worth it. May you have the blessing of friendship in your life. May you keep becoming the kind of person others want to be friends with. The best we can do in this crazy world is to love and be loved.