If I want to get some animated conversation this time of year, I can ask “How do you feel about Valentines Day?” I usually get that it’s been commercialized, and we resent being advertised to. I hear that it’s expensive to go out to dinner, that people without partners just try to get through it, that we are tired of putting romantic love on a pedestal. Amen to all of that! 

Dean Spade, in his book Love in a F*cked Up World, say, “Mainstream culture bombards us with images of romantic love as the key to happiness.” The alternative is to recognize all the place love actually lives. “Humans are relational. We need each other. We cannot survive alone, and whether or not we acknowledge that interdependency, it determines everything about our lives…We must invent new and restore old ways of living with each other, ways that nurture life, connection, belonging, and liberation.”  

 So, for years, my reframe on Valentines Day has been to notice and celebrate love and interdependency in all its forms. And there is so much. It is everywhere, all the time. Just in my own small orbit lately, I notice and celebrate: 

  • Emily, on Priya Parker’s advice, deciding to throw 2 parties for other people this year 
  • Friends pausing their lives to take care of parents 
  • Every single time a puppy crosses my path. If the owner allows it, I soak up those wiggles and licks and actually feel myself get happier. 
  • A CEO I worked with lately, sharing with his team why the work of the organization has heart and meaning for him 
  • The huge crowd that turned out for the Unified basketball game this week, where more mainstream kids helped kids with disabilities get the ball to the basket 
  • My dog walker (always!) who is an adjunct part of our family and delivers the best customer service of anyone I interact with 
  • The love exchanged between my clients and I—what a privilege and joy to see them pursue more self-awareness, discernment, and skill 
  • Lunches with two retired friends this week, noticing and admiring the interdependency they are pursuing despite our culture’s opposite messages  

Another thing I’ve been really paying attention to lately is how I show up in my in my short interactions with strangers. This is love too! The world really needs people with a non-anxious presence right now. This doesn’t mean toxic positivity or ignoring people’s boundaries, but showing up attentively, even if no words are exchanged. We’re responsible for the emotional wake we leave, every room or interaction we walk into. People can tell if we are preoccupied or dysregulated. One way I try to counteract this is to leave my phone in my purse when I’m in public. What is going on around me is always much more interesting, and I surely won’t have the interactions I want to have if I’m interacting with my phone.  

Here is to love in all its forms! I hope you feel that this weekly missive is a love letter to you—may you be safe, may you be happy, may you be healthy, may you live with ease.