Part of my work is conflict resolution between co-workers and business owners. There have been a few times over the years when our efforts together have fallen flat or when the agreements fade. But I’ve never heard any of my clients say, “I wish I hadn’t tried.” And one of my very favorite things to witness is the stark difference between how they walk into the mediation (understandably tense, anxious, even feeling sick) and how they often leave. Laughing, shoulders down, breathing again. This happened recently between two co-workers who hadn’t spoken (in a small office!) in two years.
Forgiveness (and reconciliation, if possible) is something I’ve been passionate about my whole life. If you want to make me cry, show me a movie scene where formerly estranged people reunite. It gets me every time. But I’ve noticed how much more prevalent those scenes are in movies than they are in real life. In movies, the characters don’t seem to have much of a problem starting over. Someone gets in a car crash, announces they are pregnant, and they go running into one another’s arms. Life and my mediation work has shown me that humans usually stay estranged for much longer. Throw cancel culture in there, and we have even more reasons to avoid the risk of engagement.
There are very valid reasons for some estrangements—abuse, neglect, defamation, addiction. But what I observe over and over again is how relieved people feel when they agree to start over with one another and how sad they feel at how much of their life was lost to bitterness. Here are a few of my learnings in this work:
We don’t have to forgive someone, but we can recognize their actions aren’t their fault. I learned this from one of my Buddhist teachers. Sometimes forgiveness truly isn’t possible, but it’s still healing to recognize that their actions are probably a very sane response to whatever reality they are living in. We can have boundaries with them at the same time we have compassion for them. Sharon Salzburg says that loving someone often just means not hating them.
Forgive and forget is a fable. We don’t forget what someone did to us, and I think it’s not actually possible to start over in that way. It’s much more powerful, actually, to remember and still build a new kind of relationship.
There are some people I cannot trust. When people show you who they are, believe them. There are some people in my orbit who I would never sit through a mediation with, because they would not show up in good faith. So, I don’t fixate on them, I don’t slander them, and I focus on the myriad of other relationships in my life that have plenty of room for attention and improvement.
Grocery store test. If I see someone at the grocery store and I’m tempted to avoid them, that’s my signal. Either I need to 1) Determine that boundaries are good and keep them OR 2) Create a different kind of relationship. I’ve sent many an email, text, or letter after the grocery store test.
Bitterness takes up way too much bandwidth. We’ve all heard the adage, “Bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.” While we’re walking around, sick from our bitterness, usually the other person doesn’t even know! This life is amazingly short. And all we have in it is one another. The most common thing I hear after a mediation is, “I didn’t realize how much anxiety this was causing me until it was over.”
The world needs us and our healing! I encourage you to do a little relationship audit, and then to get ready to balance your books. Asking for help is encouraged! I’d love to know how it goes.