I turned 50 a few days ago, and the event felt like a joyful project.
I’ve struggled with my birthday in my adult life—not planning anything, and then regretting it. Planning something and then feeling lonely in the middle of it. When I think about it more deeply, I wonder if I have a hard time embracing that just BEING ALIVE AND BEING WHO I AM is enough reason for celebration. Birthdays aren’t celebrated because we graduated from something, wrote a book, opened a business, or ran a marathon. We’re celebrated just because we were born and have kept on living! I’m finally coming to understand this.
I had a phone call with my friend Erika last year, who seems to have no problem celebrating her birthday. I asked if we could talk about my birthday, and she gave me an awesome, impromptu life coaching session. Out of it came Yancey’s and I’s trip to Portugal, a trip to Tahoe to see my business partner Laura, an epic party with my sisterhood and their families, a joint family party with my niece, a meet-up with my aunt in Monterey and a trip to NYC to see her in the fall, and a few other things still in development.
I joked with some clients recently about trying to put the brakes on the first two weeks of June so I could put off turning 50. They laughed and said, “Sarah, who are you kidding? You’re going to turn into a butterfly.” I felt really seen in that moment, especially since there have been some months this year where it was quite dark in the cocoon. What we know is that the darkness and liquification of the cocoon is absolutely necessary for the butterfly. They are all the same proteins, just in different form.
Some of you have heard me say that, since I’m such a reflective person, turning 50 is like the Super Bowl for me! I’m determined to be intentional about how I spend my next decades and determined to appreciate everyone who got me this far. These last three months have filled me up beyond expectation, but there’s a few things I did to help nudge this along. I offer the following lessons lightly, knowing each of us is different. The invitation is to find the recipe that works for you—I’m here to say it’s worth it.
Ask for a consult. Erika did this for me, and I’ve done this for friends. Ask someone to help you think through what your heart’s desire is. Very often, we don’t know unless someone helps us uncover it! That’s what we are here for.
Plan ahead. We’re all on a spectrum where this is concerned. I don’t love planning, but I realize that some amount of it is necessary in order to let go and have a good time later. In order to make this year what I wanted it to be, I planned 6-9 months ahead and ended up having a lot of fun with it.
Appoint yourself the facilitator. I spent many years of my life hoping people would read my mind where my birthday was concerned. This didn’t work and resulted in several lonely birthdays. As I get older, I’m much more confident in taking the reins.
Ask for what you want. Of course, this is much harder than it sounds. It’s quite difficult to know what we want! But it’s worth it to slow down and get in touch with it. I realized that I didn’t want to say “No gifts” at my party because I love gifts! So, I said, “Gifts not expected or rejected.” I also requested that the caterer (an amazing acquaintance of mine) do a room temperature, mostly veggie buffet and then let her make all the menu decisions so she could be in her brilliance, and I could sit back.
Celebrate all month (or year!) long! In the case of my 50th, I’m designating this whole year as a marker between seasons of my life. In other years, I’ve learned from friends to celebrate a birthday month instead of birthday day. This allows for many configurations of friends and activities, spreading out the love.
Practice the art of receiving. I really felt this in my body this year—letting myself receive the joy, love, and connection that resulted from the things I’d planned. It’s amazing that it’s almost a reflex to deflect intimacy and admiration. I didn’t let myself do that once this year, and I feel treasured as a result.
Say “yes” to generations mixing. I had been on the fence about my main party, whether to invite people’s teenagers or just the parents. Having the teenagers there (all amazing humans who actually wanted to be there) was everyone’s favorite. They added so much. And as we get older, I need this more and more.
Connect to your lineage in some way. I’m very blessed to live close to my parents and to have them with me during some of these celebrations. But I also arranged a trip with my aunt, who turns 75 this year, and we got to reflect together on these seasons in our life. It’s been really impactful to hear about the decisions she made at age 50 and to more meaningfully connect my story to hers.
Celebration of yourself makes it easier for others to celebrate you. One of my big takeaways this year is that others around me relax when they see that I love myself. Millions of self-help books have said the same, but it just takes how long it takes. I delight in and need our connection to one another, but it’s simply an addition to the sanctuary of my inner life. When these inner and outer worlds mingle, it’s a sweet alchemy.
All of this gives me a chance to say, of course, that I welcome the chance to support you as you make the decisions an examined life requires. I’m passionate about it, good at it, and believe we absolutely need one another to coax the soul to come out. Whether this is your 50th, 75th, or 25th year, may you be blessed with connection, discernment, delight, and perseverance as you listen to your life.