I do an activity with groups where I have them bring a “gift” for their co-workers. Show a photo, share a skill, tell a story. I’ve had people teach knot-tying, show childhood art projects, share slideshows of a car rebuild or a clip from a self-help podcast. Yesterday, someone in my awesome client group shared a slideshow of menswear fashions through the last 6 decades. Another shared that they apply the parenting technique of “descriptive praise” to themselves: “You just changed your plans for the weekend. That’s flexibility,” instead of “Good job.”  

I love all these moments so much and they remind me that: 

  • Each of us is truly one-of-a-kind 
  • There is more to us than meets the eye, always 
  • We get the most out of our time together when we can be vulnerable 
  • It is okay to like what you like 

A few months ago I read this awesome essay by the comic Samantha Irby: “My Taste is Basic. So What?” She tells a story of a friend saying they didn’t like the location of one of Samantha’s favorite places. Samantha waited for the punchline, then realized the friend was waiting for some kind of apology. Instead, Samantha just said, “I like it.” And no other response could have been more powerful! 

In an age where we curate our identities and lives constantly and take 90 minutes on Yelp to figure out where to go for dinner, there’s something deeply grounding about getting out of that game. 

This week I was with a client group and a staff member was helping me out by typing collective responses onto a projected spreadsheet. I said, “Thank you so much for doing this. I know it’s nerve-wracking to type in front of everyone.” They said, “I love typing!” and we all laughed. And I thought to myself, “That’s going in my newsletter this week.” Not only did they not take the bait to thoughtlessly complain about something, they took the risk of telling their teammates about something they like, however “basic.” It was so refreshing. 

Though I can slip into it when I’m stressed or insecure, I’m tired of sarcasm and performative repartee. As I wrote about here, I’d rather say something real, and I’d rather be around others who have the humility and self-awareness to say something real. If others feel safe around us, this is far more likely. If we are open about what we like and invite others to share what they like (provided it’s not hateful or oppressive), that is actually how wars are prevented.  

I’m learning about the field of neurobiology from my friend Vanessa, and one of my most powerful takeaways is that we have the ability to be a therapeutic presence for one another. We don’t have to say a word. We don’t have to have clinical training. We don’t need high IQ’s or loaded bookshelves. Those, in fact, can get in the way. Like what you like, be interested in what others like.  

Of course, I like being here with you.