I was telling a client today that I’m liable to fall in love with people. 

I’ve had many friendships in my life that started with a bang. I loved their outfit and told them so, and pretty soon we were leaving gifts on one another’s doorsteps, baring our souls, and making plans for trips. Fast and furious infatuation. 

I’m not going to moralize about this approach and say it’s wrong. But when I look at the data, I would say it hasn’t worked out that well for me. We got too close too quickly, and real life couldn’t sustain it. Or I mistook our common likes or similar worldviews for compatibility or emotional maturity. And then some crashing and burning ensued, or at least a slow fade. All of this has been part of my learning, and I want to be gentle with myself about it.  

And I also want to be more patient. There actually is no rush. I don’t need to lock anything down. I don’t need to hustle. I don’t need to over-divulge, force intimacy, prove myself as the best friend ever. I don’t need to worry that someone else will snatch this person up, that I missed my window, or that saying more interesting things will attract them to me. The harder I work at the beginning of a friendship, the harder it will be to sustain in the long run. 

Some things I’m reminding myself lately: 

  • Being open is more sustainable than being assertive. I’m open to surprise. I’m open to being wrong about someone, whether my first impressions of them are great or horrible. I don’t need to attract people to me. I won’t be able to keep up with that. But I can stay open, follow the pulse of love. I heard an artist friend say today, “Whenever I feel the compulsion to start a new project, that’s my cue to start noticing. Just start noticing.” Wow. Amen.  
  • I don’t need to say the wise thing that clinches the deal. This is my temptation. For others, it’s throwing a great party, being funny, planning the trip. Can I be boring, uninspired, a little “blah,” and still make friends? I’m learning this is possible. Mostly through a little thing called “kindness.” 
  • “Sleeper” friendships are the most powerful. We probably all have friendships that snuck up on us. After a few years, we look around and realize, “She’s been here all along, and I underestimated her.” Or “When I first met him, I never would have guessed that we would form this deep or long a connection.”  
  • Expectations are dangerous. We all have them. We can’t tell ourselves NOT to have expectations. I haven’t found that works very well. But we can notice what they are, have a little reality check with ourselves, try to have fewer of them. I guess it’s that openness thing again. 
  • It’s easier to fan a hot coal than start a fire from nothing. I had a wonderful conversation with a client today about her longing for more community. When I asked more questions, I learned that she had a beloved friend nearby, and their lives had gotten too busy to prioritize one another. Far easier and more rewarding to give that burning ember some attention than to go gather wood and start a fire from scratch. She got off our call with some very practical things to try. 

About once a year, I map my important relationships onto this tool. I take a little friendship audit. Last time I did it, I realized that I had a lot of life-giving people in my life who I rarely saw. So, my work wasn’t to go drum up more friends—it was to bring those embers back to life. It was very clarifying (and mostly successful).  

I find summer can be kind of lonely. Everyone (including me!) is off on summer reunions or recreating trips, and when I want to go for a bike ride with someone, there’s no one to call. If that happens to you, I hope you feel treasured and loved anyway, I hope you get creative, and I hope you are gentle with yourself.