I came across this unbelievably great article this week by Julie Pham about conducting a “passiveness audit.” She outlines 7 levels of passive to passive aggressive behavior, particularly as she sees them manifest in Seattle. I always joke with my clients that I would be out of a job in the Pacific Northwest if we were better at actually addressing things in the moment, saying the obvious, and spending our energy on solutions instead of complaining about others behind their backs.  

She says that one way we can think about this is by comparing our emotional time (ET) with action time (AT):

“I refer to the mental time spent on complaining as Emotional Time (ET) and the time it actually takes to deal with the issue directly as Action Time (AT)…

If you are wondering if you should take action instead of being passive, here’s an equation to help you decide. First, estimate ET and AT in minutes. If you are spending five times as much time on ET versus AT, you should consider doing something about it. Note: we don’t like to think of ourselves as complainers, so we’re probably underestimating ET anyway. 

Example: Freezing on the bus because you don’t want to be the person to say, “Shut your window please.”

ET = 50 min (the 30 min of sitting resentfully cold on the bus + 20 min recounting the story to 5 individuals about the audacity of the person not closing the window)

AT = 5 min (thinking of how to politely tell the offender to shut the window and then having the words come out of your mouth)

ET/ AT quotient = 10x”

Wow. Emotional time could be ten times the energy spent on action! So why do we pay this steep price so often? 

Julie lists several reasons: We’re scared of disconnection or retaliation. We think we don’t have the time. We want to stay at the level of superficial pleasantries. We’re breaking social norms when we ask for what we need or say the obvious. Saying the obvious can be things like,  

  • “I noticed you weren’t at my party even though you said you were going to be. I missed you there.” 
  • “I’m frustrated that you’re looking at your phone so often while we are talking.” 
  • “We have an agreement not to be privately messaging one another while we are in meetings. I’d like us to keep that.” 
  • “I disappeared on you after you sent me an email 3 months ago. I did that because I disagreed with you, and I froze on how to handle that. I’d like to start over.”

I’ll be chewing on this article for a long time. Lately, in a political climate that has me scared and angry, I’ve noticed my own tendency to become more passive. It feels like my energy tank is lower than normal, and I’m literally and metaphorically just throwing up my hands. Being passive when what the situation really calls for is engagement, follow-through, and risk. The only way I can show up like that is remembering what the rewards are. Authenticity. Connection. Learning. Clarity. Integrity. The possibility of change. I’ll be conducting my own passiveness audit in the next few weeks—want to join me?