I’m coming back from over a month off, and I was blessed to run into a few readers around the Puget Sound (Julie on Lummi Island, hello!) who asked how my August break was going. I probably rolled my eyes in utter delight and said, “Sooo good.” I’m brimming with gratitude for time with family, time in nature, good books, lots of swims, and a household purge where I touched almost every item in this house and said goodbye to many things not serving me anymore.

I turn 50 next year, so my summer musings have been pretty reflective—where am I in my life? What do I want the next season to look like?

I’m highly influenced by Robert Waldinger and Marc Shultz’ book The Good Life about the longest study on happiness ever conducted. Reams of data from interviews, medical records, and surveys from the Harvard Study of Adult Development have produced two pretty obvious (yet hard to practice) principles—1) Take care of your body like you’re going to own it for 100 years and 2) Take care of your relationships—practice social fitness. What I immediately notice is that things like work, accolades, home purchases or remodels, advanced degrees and knowledge acquisition, notoriety, or even having adventures and being comfortable don’t make the list.

It’s not that none of those things are rewarding or that certain seasons of our life don’t call for them. But they are not the things that endure. In particular, I’ve been thinking about the lost art of “hanging out” (as talked about here and here and I wrote about here), and I made myself a little painting this morning—Here to hang out. I’m kind of bad at doing that, so I’ve been thinking about how this might look for me as I walk deeper into middle age. Maybe it looks like:

  • Going for walks at 7:30 am when all the neighbor kids are catching the bus
  • Trying to sit quietly outside instead of briskly walking through the woods
  • Practicing my new rule: When someone stops by, invite them in for coffee whenever possible
  • Say “Yes!!” to invitations even when my energy is low, and trust that my community can handle my low energy
  • Arrive to events early or stay late with no agenda (and put my phone away)
  • Enjoy every time I am waiting in line for something—make conversation with the people around me and enjoy our shared humanity
  • Plan times with friends that are more than 60 minutes. Ideally, a day trip or longer, where conversations can start and stop and there’s room for silence in between
  • Ask for help—there is no better way to encourage intimacy

At the end of my life, I won’t regret that I made time to love and be loved. There’s really nothing else.

P.S. If you’re feeling stuck about how to grow your community, you’re not alone. I loved this video featuring this author talking about putting herself out there and talking to strangers, and this podcast about the secret to making friends as an adult. The good things in life are usually outside our comfort zone!