One of my spiritual teachers recently said, “Disappointment is the chariot of the dharma.” Mic drop!
I understand this to mean we learn the most when we learn to be with our disappointment. We are most fully on the spiritual path when we live in reality and face the fact, every day or every moment, that unwanted experiences are part of the deal. Disappointment isn’t a setback, though it certainly feels like one. It’s the stage on which everything happens.
In various ways, I’ve been trying to teach this to my children for the past 22 years. I’m always looking for ways to say, “I see that you’re anxious/lonely/sad. It’s not my job to rescue you from feeling that way. It’s my job to help you be with it.” My daughter Loretta is getting ready to graduate from high school and go to Boise State in the fall. My son Wyatt has been home for the last few months, post college graduation, and he leaves this morning to do field work in Colorado for the summer, living out of the old family minivan when he’s not camping with his crew. There is absolutely no shortage of things for this mother to worry about, including, “Have I adequately prepared them for life?!”
Yesterday Wyatt pulled out of the driveway to begin his adventure. I sobbed after he was out of sight, and then we got a call 5 minutes later that his van refused to accelerate. (Did I mention it is OLD?) Our amazing, heaven-sent mechanic, who was an acquaintance in high school and now a big part of our lives (ha!), dropped everything, bumped Wyatt’s car to the front of the line, found a used part from another van in his lot, fixed it by the end of the day, and charged us nothing. You can bet a lot more newsletters are going to come from that story. The power of relationship, the fact that good people are all around us, how each of us has the ability to really make someone else’s day. The relief we felt was incalculable.
Last night, we babysat our 2- and 5-year-old neighbors, and our foursome walked around the block at dusk with these little ones. We ran into many neighbors doing the same, told the story about failed departure, and I soaked up this bonus day with Wyatt, this unexpected family night. It was another reminder that sweetness sneaks up on us, especially if we are not constricted, if we have put ourselves in a place to soak it up.
All day long, I had choices to make about my disappointment that the car stopped working, that all Wyatt’s plans might be delayed or worse. I kept reminding myself, “Disappointment is the chariot of the dharma. How I open to this isn’t a one-off. It’s a measure of many things.” It all could have turned out much differently, but I hope I’d still be able to sit here and reflect on it with you. I hope I’d remember what Victor Frankl said–the last of our human freedoms is the power to choose how we will react to our circumstances. That space between stimulus and response? It’s everything.
As it was, the daylong delay meant a sweet night together, more hours with my people, more proof that life can surprise us. And the surprises are sometimes good ones! May it be so with you, wherever you are and whatever you are facing. May disappointment, pain, grief, uncertainty, anger, inconvenience, discomfort—may they all bring learning, connection, aliveness. May we greet that chariot with curiosity. The alternatives are a lot more painful.