I’m reflexively back to one of my favorite topics—how to make and keep friends as an adult. I am seeing this come up as a need, longing, and skillset for all ages. Hearing stories of college students alone in their dorm rooms, elementary schoolers feeling lonely on the playground. We are made to be in community with one another, but it’s never easy.
Autumn is “Friendship Season” in my life. In September, a weekend with my 7 “Soul Sisters,” meeting for 19 years starting with a birthday party I had in Seattle. And in October, “Ojai,” a more recent group I’ve been invited into. 10 women that I went to college with for just one year. They are in their 17th year and I am in the 3rd year with them. I feel so loved, seen, stimulated, and filled up after these two weekends and know they will release their medication slowly throughout the year.
In both groups, we have a business meeting at the end. We talk about what’s working well, what’s not, what we want to change for next year. Any group that doesn’t spend time on maintenance will fall into stagnation or disrepair. It’s always some work to rally everyone and spend some of our precious time talking about ourselves. But it’s essential. Here are some of the things I’ve learned about how groups of friends can stay healthy and vibrant:
Vulnerability. In both groups, we have intentional time for each person to share how they are doing. This is THE major factor that determines our closeness to one another. Real relationship doesn’t happen without vulnerability, and vulnerability doesn’t happen without space carved out. We all get a little nervous about being the “focus person,” and some people hate it more than others. We still do it, and it’s the reason we are so close.
No therapizing. Both groups learned the hard way that, in our focused circles, we must resist the urge to therapize. No fixing, saving, or advising. Just listening, appreciating, asking for what we need. If someone really wants advice on something, wonderful. They’ll get great advice from a group of thoughtful women. Otherwise? Just bearing witness.
Substance use limited. In both groups, there’s at least one person in recovery. So, there’s no alcohol sitting around or poured for everyone. This ensures that our weekend is not about drinking, but about being present to one another.
Sharing chores. With groups of women, there will almost always be a few that automatically get up to do the dishes without ever saying a word about it while the others sit and chat. We’ve mitigated this in both groups with a boring chore chart. And it works!
Balance of structure and free time. Too much structure and everyone gets tired or less engaged. Too little structure and there’s no center to the weekend. We manage this with a schedule that can be changed and enough things anyone can opt out of.
Resisting comparison. Some people are really tight with one another, texting every day, seeing one another often. Others truly just see each other once a year. The secret in both groups is to resist comparison and to celebrate any connection and closeness that any member has with another. All of it benefits the group.
If this sounds like work, it is! And it’s why some groups never start or fall apart. But if we stick with it, the rewards are incalculable. The world is getting harder and harder to live in. We need one another like never before.