Hello friends! Some of you noticed I took a little break last week and reached out to ask if I was okay. That really tickled me. It is such an honor to be part of your Saturday mornings. Yes, I am okay! I was having too much fun on a getaway with my husband to write a newsletter, and what a sweet blessing to say that.
I’m reading Gregory Boyle’s book Cherished Belonging, and it’s making its way into every conversation this week. I have about 50 books on my “to be read” shelf, and this wasn’t even one of them. My dad reminded me recently of Oliver Burkeman’s encouragement about book piles. “Treat your ‘to read’ pile like a river (a stream that flows past you, and from which you pluck a few choice items, here and there) instead of a bucket (which demands that you empty it).” What a relief! This was the book I needed now, and thankfully it floated by.
Father Greg Boyle is the founder of Homeboy Industries, which works with gang members in LA. He’s a hero of mine, and his relentless message is this: We are all unshakably good, and it’s our tenderness toward one another that helps us remember our goodness. Some of you have been participating in the 40 Days of Generosity thread that I’m doing for Lent, and it has been such a pleasure and inspiration to read about all the ways you are being tender with those around you and noticing tenderness in all its forms.
Father Boyle says that Homeboy’s secret to helping people heal is to dose tenderness—all the staff there, from janitors to fundraisers, interact with guests tenderly. He tells the story of a security guard who works in the tattoo removal studio. Father Boyle says, “He’s not a therapist! And he just has a few minutes with each person that comes in. But he’s dosing tenderness. And if all of us are doing this, we get healthy.”
It is so easy for me to get overwhelmed at the suffering in the world, and to get into a binary, that either I have a Savior complex or I ignore the person spare changing at the stoplight. Tenderness says, “Carry protein bars in your console.” Tenderness says, “Dare to not fix, but to pay attention.” Tenderness says, “Actually believe that everyone is unshakably good, and treat them so.” This doesn’t mean unhealthy people don’t do harm. It doesn’t mean all actions are excusable or that boundaries should never be set. It just means that, underneath everything, we all want to be tenderly loved and cared for. Yes, even those people. Sigh.
Here’s a few more quotes from Father Boyle:
We aspire to be on the lookout for the secret wholeness in each other.
We zero in on the precious soulfulness of everyone.
Demonizing keeps us from solutions.
We should jettison the idea that there could be such a thing as good people and bad people.
Tenderness is the highest form of spiritual maturity.
A bad diagnosis can’t ever lead us to a good treatment plan.
All mystics know to step outside themselves and focus on the other.
If we could see the secret history of each person, it would surely disarm our hearts.
The moral quest has never kept us moral; it’s just kept us from each other.
Cherished people will cherish people.
May you be cherished and on the receiving end of tenderness, and may it make you tender. Have a great week.