I’m back from my August idyll. I read 19 books, went to Lummi, Orcas, Lopez, and Vancouver Islands, purged a bunch of things from my house, swam as much as possible, hung out with family and friends, dropped my youngest off at college, and had a lot of time to let my mind wander. And to notice—When my mind wanders, what does it return to? 

Here’s the punchline: I think about what it means to live a good life. 

Several years ago at church, a basket was passed around at New Years, and we were instructed to pull out a slip of paper that would be our word for the year. Other people around me got words like “Intentional,” “Forgiveness,” “Integrity.” Mine said “Happiness.” I remember being disappointed. I found it too superficial. I wanted a more serious word. If I drew that word now, I’d be thrilled. And a little daunted. It turns out that being happy is pretty hard, particularly if we make happiness the AIM of our efforts. We’re more likely to experience happiness if we’re pursuing other things. 

And what are those things? This is the subject of much debate. All the psychologists, economists, theologians, life coaches, and wellness gurus have theories, products and books they are hawking. And most of us can rattle off some basics. Health, meaningful relationships, enough money to pay our bills, helping others, awe and wonder, exercise, engaging hobbies.  

I heard Gretchen Rubin say recently that it’s hard to be happy if you’re not happy at home, and it’s hard to be happy if you’re not happy at work. YES.  

 If you’re not happy at home, no number of massages, sound baths, or dream jobs will do. If you’re not happy at work, no amount of vacations, friendships, or hobbies will sub in. This means paying honest attention to our home and work lives is the most impactful thing we can do. And the hardest. 

As a coach, I have heard every reason in the world why people can’t or won’t change these situations. There are always many factors outside of our control, and our social location plays a huge part. But I’m inspired over and over again by the friends and clients in my orbit who stop making excuses. They want happiness enough to be temporarily unhappy or unstable: 

  • A single mom deciding to drive further for work because she’s tired of the toxicity at her current workplace 
  • A few close friends who have made incredibly brave decisions to leave long-term relationships 
  • A friend who gave up the autonomy of living alone to make a commitment to community living  
  • A middle-aged friend with a long history in one industry who opted to start completely at the bottom in another industry because he wanted to have more meaningful interactions with people 

As I’ve written before, life is a full-time job and we need reinforcements. We can’t do any of this alone. But the thing no one can do for us is make the choice to be happier. There are enough things chosen for us—when we are born, what kind of world we are born into, illness, accidents, death. What’s left for us is to take the reins of our own lives. And the result might just be more happiness.